I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
