this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
