they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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