Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
