We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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