I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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