i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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