phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
