Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
