I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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