if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
