Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
