i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
