How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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