No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
