I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I've blown a few things in my day
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize