I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
