so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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