I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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