two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
