You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I've blown a few things in my day
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
