I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
My vagina just recognized that song.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I fill condoms, not promises.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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