Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
