I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
In other news, I just burned my penis
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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