just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
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