What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
