She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
