The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
