Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
