My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
