Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
