I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
