the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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