just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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