Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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