Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
