I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
