i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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