the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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