Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize