Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Dicks are not precious.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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