I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
