I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
