Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
