plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
