I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
We just shotgunned beers for America
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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