...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
