Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
