I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
