did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
