U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
