I just pynch a tree in the face
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
