This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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