Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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